A Child’s Guide to Wealth Redistribution

Iguazu Falls, Argentina - photo by JoAnn Sturman

by Mike Burnaugh

As you know, we children know more about fairness than our parents. We often have to remind them what is and isn’t fair. For me it began with my first Easter Egg Hunt.

When the Magic Bunny made eggs for children, he certainly didn’t intend for anybody to have more eggs than me, Mike Burnaugh. I was forced to screech for an hour until my mother made my sister Sheila share her eggs and a mean left hook with me.

Desirable things are always made by magical creatures such as the Bunny, Santa, and the Great Pumpkin. Since no one actually works to make desirable things, why should anybody have a claim to more desirable things than anyone else? My teacher, Mr. Lowell Slobbovia, says it is called “spreading the wealth around” and “thank God we have a President who understands this.” I suppose he’s right, but he comes to class every day with a dozen sweet rolls and never shares them with us. Anyway, his desk and papers get sticky and who needs that?

Mr. Slobbovia says the President understands that nobody really needs to work for all of us to be equally wealthy. If we just take everything from the selfish one percent, everyone will be forever happy. We won’t need government any more. It all sounds so sensible and easy. My only worry is adults.

My father says dumb things like : “Wealth is surplus. If all the surplus is consumed, none will be reinvested. We’ll all starve.” He didn’t even mention Santa or the Magic Bunny.
I don’t like his attitude. Mr. Slobbovia says there is a number we can call to report parents who don’t support the President. He says my dad probably just needs a vacation at a nice camp in Cuba. If that works, I’ll call about Mr. Slobbovia, too.

Right now all the kids are waiting for our new summer uniforms: short khakis and nice brown shirts with red scarves and a shoulder patch. I know what a hammer is, but what is a sickle?